Dear Carolyn,
My mother-in-law, who is still married to my father-in-law, is in an extramarital relationship. Every other month, she leaves for a week to spend time with her new partner. My children, both very young, often notice her absence and question her whereabouts. We tell them the truth that Nana is away, but never elaborate more. I’m apprehensive about lying to them, having experienced the disappointment of deception as a child myself. However, I’m unsure how to balance providing truthful explanations with preserving their innocence. What’s the best approach to handle this tricky situation?
Nana’s Out of Town,
Why should it ever be required to air out someone else’s private matters? It seems to me that your in-laws are in what can possibly be an open marriage. This is their business, yours is to raise your children. You’re undeniably overthinking things here. Your five-month-old is not going to start cross-examining your dismissive parting phrases. Or maybe you’re using this as a way to vent your own discomfort with the situation?
Remember to teach your children about personal boundaries and respect for others’ privacy. When Nana is not around, simple answers like “Nana’s busy today” or “Nana couldn’t be here” will suffice. If your children get older and question more, then introduce them to the concept of privacy. Teach them that it is okay not to know every detail of someone’s life.
Use this as an opportunity to open discussions about privacy and honesty. This will be helpful when they become teenagers, where the push and pull of privacy is most intense.
Also, remember that your children learn how to navigate relationships from observing you and your husband. Be honest, and pair it with tact, respect and privacy. These traits will serve them well in the future.
Dear Carolyn,
I left an abusive marriage two years ago and have decided to remain single for now. However, my children believe I’m lonely and urge me to date again. But I’m content with being alone. Should I go against my wish and start dating again?
Anonymous,
Absolutely not! After enduring an abusive relationship, the last thing you should do is rush into another one. Loneliness is not pleasant, but it’s not a reason to enter a relationship prematurely. I would encourage you to focus instead on forging friendships and establishing a support network.
Do things that bring you joy, find activities that you love, and meet new people naturally. Take the time to carefully vet any potential relationships, romantic or otherwise. Pay close attention to your feelings and move forward only when you feel comfortable and completely safe being yourself.
Don’t ever feel pressured to be in a relationship, cherish your independence and the peace it brings. Seek the company of trustworthy friends instead. Rebuilding trust post an abusive relationship takes time. Take small steps and continue your journey at your own pace.
