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A concerned grandmother writes in about her grandson Jack with a worry he’s too reliant on his best friend, Elizabeth. Jack and Elizabeth, two similar twelve-year-olds described as “old souls” who prefer Agatha Christie novels over surfing on TikTok, are inseparable. They are involved in everything together to the point their independence seems at stake. When Jack wanted to take art classes, his lack of enthusiasm without Elizabeth’s company resulted in his retreat from the plan. His need for Elizabeth’s presence even amplifies his already existing shyness in the school environment, with her absence during surgery negatively affecting his participation.
As far as informed, the dependency seems shared. Jack has depended on Elizabeth during significant moments of pain and hardship in his life, such as the loss of his father. Presenting this concern to Jack’s mother would likely yield dismissal related to Jack’s shyness and sensitive nature, but the grandmother worries if it’s more than that – a deterioration of his mental health.
To worried grandmothers out there, if you find yourself a comforting counsel for your grandchildren, a pillar they can lean on, then you are already helping. Without rushing to judgments, acknowledge the trauma Jack must be dealing with from his father’s death. Your role is crucial; continue being there for him, tend to his feelings, and assure him of your love.
It might be beneficial for Jack to seek counseling or additional support related to grieving. You may introduce this idea to your daughter if it seems like an area that hasn’t been adequately addressed yet. When talking about the observed co-dependency, don’t overload this discussion with judgments about their friendship or shyness, as she might dismiss these. Start by asking your daughter what she has observed – has he shared anything with her, in what ways does she think he’s struggling and how can you both meet these problems together.
Don’t let it dishearten you if you can’t change your daughter’s parenting style or facilitate how Jack’s school day progresses. You can’t manipulate how he copes or recovers in healthy ways, but your consistent love and support can mean more than you believe, especially if he’s battling difficulties right now.
For more advice, tune in to Slate and help us provide solutions to various other dilemmas – A 12-year-old extrovert son who loves participating in extracurricular activities and has an introverted mother struggling to keep up with being a “soccer mom,” “stage mom,” and “dance mom,” and she wonders how she can support him.
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